


Meeting You Twice

by thegodmachine



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, M/M, Married Couple, Panic Attacks, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transphobia, pre-transition, trans male Lily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-17 02:12:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14823257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegodmachine/pseuds/thegodmachine
Summary: Lily and James' marriage faces heavy trials when Lily can no longer play the part of the wife.





	Meeting You Twice

**Author's Note:**

> Another transgender AU. This story does deal with depression, gender dysphoria and transphobia. Will use male pronouns with Lily.

Frowning in concentration and biting the inside of his cheek, Lily’s eagle-eyed gaze swept over the backyard. The snitch was around here somewhere. He hoped to find it soon before the sun was completely set and the little golden ball became near impossible to see.  
  
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw James fly by quickly and took off after him. A small jealous part of him resented how talented James was on a broom but at the same time, flying with or against James was always exhilarating. It was James who had taught him how to play Quidditch back in school, and it was James who was talented enough to get scouted by Puddlemere United straight upon graduation. Lily’s husband was a professional athlete for one of the best teams in the league and he could never not be proud of him nor would he begrudge his husband of that accomplishment with petty jealousy.  
  
Their chase and Lily’s thoughts ended abruptly when James took a sharp nosedive, up-righting his broom at the last minute with the snitch in hand and a wide smile on his face. Lily tried his best to slow down but was not as skilled at the Wronski Feint and ended up crashing into James.  
  
"Merlin," James cried as they fell off their brooms onto the grass. "You're worse than Harry."  
  
“Are you alright” Lily asked. He had landed on James hard.  
  
“Other than your elbow pushing my liver out of my body, I’m fine,” He said. There was humor in his voice.  
  
“James,” Lily admonished, but he could tell James was fine. “Wait a minute! You’re not teaching Harry the Wronksi Feint, are you?”  
  
"Oh you know. Boy doesn't know how to brake," James said jokingly. "He takes after you."  
  
"I seem to recall you blindsiding me quite a bit in Hogwarts." Lily lifted his head and smiled at James. "You were so annoying. I never met a boy who was as clumsy as you but as graceful in the sky.”  
  
James laughed.  
  
Lily enjoyed the moment. With James smiling at him, looking as carefree as he had in school, Lily felt the urge to kiss him so he did. He stretched his neck forward and pressed their lips together quickly before pulling away shyly. James gave him a surprised look. "So you won tonight," Lily continued as if he hadn't just done that.  
  
"And I claim you as my prize," James said happily and pulled Lily on top of him and placed his hands possessively on Lily's hips.  
  
"And I thought being excused from dish duty was your prize?" Lily said as James began to kiss his neck. He let James take the lead.  
  
They hadn't done this in a while and Lily was reminded by how much he enjoyed it and why they had stopped being intimate in the first place. Intimacy had become a complex demon for Lily over time. In moments like this, Lily could appreciate the touch and attention of his husband but at the same he was hyper-aware of his female body and how wrong it was. Early into their relationship when the euphoria of the honeymoon phase was overwhelming, Lily could ignore his self hate, but with time, Lily began to feel the insurmountable depression grow. Lily would always be a girl and only as a girl could he have James in his life. If he were to be true to himself, he would lose everything.  
  
He shivered uncomfortably at the touches, pulled away, and rolled into the grass beside James with a heavy sigh. Gazing at the darkening sky, he felt very small and the mantra he told himself all his life—'One day, I'll be normal'—suddenly didn't mean anything. He couldn't stand the touch of his husband and that feeling wasn't going to go away by ignoring it. He closed his eyes as James sat up. Lily could feel his stare but couldn't look at him. He fancied the idea of just saying it, the truth about himself that he tried to deny for so long. It's really only three words: just three simple words.  
  
"Lily?" James asked concerned.  
  
'I'm a boy,' he thought. For a moment, almost sure that he had said it. 'If you heard that, would you still love me?'  
  
"You alright? If you're not feeling well, I'll do the dishes."  
  
"No," Lily sighed. He couldn't do it. Tonight was not that night. "You won fair and square."  
  
James pushed loose strands of hair out of his face and Lily tried not to react at the gentle touch. He could feel it in his heart. Those words were bubbling up and he would say them one day. He didn't know how much longer he would have James' love and maybe he was selfish to cling to it for as long as he could and at the same time, he thought, maybe, it was selfish of him to fantasize saying those words when he knew it would only tear his family apart.  
  
He stood up and brushed leaves from his hair. James climbed to his feet and pecked him on the lips.  
  
"In that case I'm going to take a shower," James said.  
  
Lily watched him go and then shifted his gaze to Harry's bedroom window. They had put him to bed before coming out here for a nightly seeker's game. On weekends they would let Harry fly with them. He could hear his son's ringing laughter in his ears. He wished he could stay like this forever and be happy but even if he were to capture this memory in a pensieve, he feared it might always be too painful to revisit.

* * *

  
_Spring, 5th year_  
  
_Lily and Severus were sitting by the edge of the black lake; Shoes off and feet soaking in the water. Lily watched as a few students had stripped to their underwear and were daring enough to swim out to deeper ends of the lake. The weather was warm enough for the behavior and part of Lily wanted to join them. He had been feeling antsy lately and had a desire to do something wild and unexpected. After-curfew walk-abouts around the school were losing their edge as of late._  
  
_Most of the crazy students partaking were Gryffindors and Sev had already snorted with disdain._  
  
_"Idiots," he muttered. Lily shrugged. He wasn't particularly close with his fellow housemates or anyone really except for Sev, and Sev only had the advantage of knowing him from home._  
  
_"They look like they're having fun," Lily mumbled. "And we're finally having nice weather for a change."_  
  
_"They're going to drown themselves," Sev said, "Though, I can't complain. I just wish they weren't so loud."_  
  
_"Don't you want to go for a swim?" He asked. “In this heat?”_  
  
_Sev gave Lily an annoyed look. "There’s no way I'm going out there with them."_  
  
_Lily picked at his school shirt. The sweater long abandoned and the top few buttons of his white shirt were undone. He tried to ignore the cheers from the swimming students and consider how he wanted to engage the topic he had brought Sev out to discuss._  
  
_There was something wrong with him. He knew it from a young age. From his rejection of dance classes because it was full of other girls in favor of activities dominated by boys. His childhood admiration for rugby and how he was denied a place on the team because he was physically a 'girl.' Lily resented that: Girl. It never sat right with him, so much so, he insisted on buying uniform trousers this year as opposed to the pleated skirts. It was strange that there was a fuss from teachers and the school year began quite miserably with the fear he might be denied something as harmless as trousers but ultimately Dumbledore had simply nodded and agreed that Lily should be able to wear the clothes he found comfortable._  
  
_His love of sports erupted into high gear when he saw his first quidditch match in first year which is why it hurt so much that he was so very bad at it. It was salt in the wound that James Potter—Sev's mortal enemy and all around prat—was poised to be a star player going into their second year. James was part of the group splashing around in the water and Lily couldn't admit that he'd like the loud-mouth boy to call out to him and invite him into the water so he wouldn't have to tell Sev how strange he truly was. The other Marauders were out there, as well, and it was just another thing for Lily to be jealous of: The close knit friendship they had—even if they were jerks—that they should enjoy that when he himself feared how Sev would react if he were to meet Lily's true self._  
  
_"You're awfully quiet," Sev commented bringing Lily's attention back to him._  
  
_"I want to tell you something," he admitted nervously. "But I'm not sure how to say it."_  
  
_Sev's eyes lit up with curiosity and hope and Lily had to look away. He knew Sev liked him. He wasn't stupid but 'Lily' was a facade, a fake; Severus was attracted to a version of Lily that he could never properly be—never happily be._  
  
_"Remember when we were little and you knew I had a secret but didn't know how to say it? You told me to close my eyes and just speak," Sev said._

 _Lily thought back to when Severus had told Lily about magic. He_ _nodded and sighed. He closed his eyes and squeezed some grass in his fists. He spoke softly,"You know how I don’t really get along with the girls in my dorm? Or how I would rather plea a case to the school board then wear the girl’s uniform?”_  
  
_"Yes?" Sev said._  
  
_"Well, from a young age I've always felt different and not just because of magic. I've never felt right...like I was made wrong..." He frowned. How does one actually say this? "I feel this way because I realize I'm not a girl. This body, it's all wrong. I'm supposed to be a boy. Underneath all this...skin, I am a boy."_  
  
_He was treated with Silence. Nerves flared up, Lily opened his eyes and glanced at Severus. His face was unreadable but he was watching him._  
  
_"Er...what do you mean you're a boy?" Severus asked._  
  
_"I 'mean' that I'm a boy," Lily repeated. "Having a girl's body, I just can't stand it. In my head and my heart, I've never felt like a girl."_  
  
_"But...it’s what you are," Sev was clearly confused._  
  
_"I may have been born a physical girl but mentally I'm not. In my soul, I'm not. In my head I'm not. I don't identify as a girl. That's not my gender. It's something I just know about myself no matter how girly or not-girly I look. I know this."_  
  
_Sev looked away from him. "This sounds crazy."_  
  
_"Its how I feel," was all he could say._  
  
_"How can you be so sure that you are mentally a boy? How do you know that?"_  
  
_"Well, how do you?" Lily shot back. "I didn't just wake up suddenly and feel this way. I've cut my hair off, I bind my chest! These," he gestured to his breasts. "Disgust me. I can't even look in the mirror sometimes. I hate my body."_  
  
_"So..." Sev shook his head. "But...It sounds like you need help: Professional help. Like a mind healer to set you straight." He finished sadly._  
  
_Lily couldn't speak at that. His face was on fire and he squeezed the grass in his fists. A horrible feeling in his stomach and his face turning red made him desperately wish he was anywhere but here. He had expected the worse; it didn't hurt any less_  
  
_"I'm not crazy," he said. "And I'm not alone either. I've done research. Other people feel the way that I do. And doctors—healers, they have procedures to change my body as I move forward—" he admitted._  
  
_"Merlin," Sev cut in. "You're only 15!"_  
  
_Lily took steady breaths, "A lot of people are like this."_  
  
_"Couldn't it be a phase? You're into sports, you mostly hangout with men...maybe you should hang out with your dorm mates more."_  
  
_"You hate Alice and Mary," Lily said dully._  
  
_"I didn't realize that as your only friend I was contributing to your madness," he snapped._  
  
_Lily closed his eyes. "It was a mistake to tell you."_  
  
_"Well maybe you shouldn't tell anyone," he said. "Maybe you should try to be normal. How will people react to you? You already have enough on your plate being..." He stopped abruptly._  
  
_"Being what? Muggleborn?" Lily asked. "And now a freak?"_  
  
_"I'm just saying..." Sev sighed. "No one will accept you."_  
  
_"Least of all my best friend," The conversation was over. Lily stood up and didn't spare him a glance._  
  
_He began to storm back to the castle but a voice cried out to him in the worse timing imaginable. "Hey, Evans! Get in the water."_  
  
_It could've been Potter; he always called him by his surname, something that Lily had always liked. He wished Potter had called out sooner, saving him from what just happened. Instead of responding, he wiped his face and walked away._

* * *

  
When Lily was a child, his best friend had been his sister. She had been adventurous, and just as bossy as she was now, but they gotten along. When they were young, Petunia had no problem getting dirty and Lily had liked that a lot. They used to go down by the stream a block from their house and catch frogs and snails...or Lily would catch frogs and snails and Petunia would feed the ducks. When they were young, Lily didn't feel so much like a freak.  
  
His mom used to make him wear dresses and he hated that but it really wasn't so bad. Other kids his age hated wearing dresses too. Other kids liked him for as he was. Lily had lots of friends. He liked dancing but he also liked dinosaurs and bugs. Boys sometimes said he had cooties but then Lily would give himself a cootie-shot and they would let him play with them again. It was all very simple.  
  
Sometimes, Lily wished that he could turn back time because today, things were not so simple.  
  
Petunia hates him.  
  
The sad thing was, Lily could understand. He was staring at himself in the mirror wondering who this sad freak was. Do you know who you are? You don't look like you. Who are you?  
  
Lily closed his eyes and then felt a sting in his fist. His eyes flew open and he realized that he had punched the mirror. His reflection shattered and his knuckles bleeding.  
  
"Lily!"  
  
James was calling from another room. Lily could hear his feet thumping against the floor. Was that Harry crying? Lily felt like his head was in a fish bowl. Harry was crying! Why was he crying?  
  
"Lily," James said and Lily felt his hand on his shoulder. He flinched. "Fuck, alright!"  
  
"I have to go," Lily said. "Harry has daycare today," Lily said. What time was it? They're late.  
  
“You're not going anywhere. Look at you!” James said.  
  
“But Harry!” Lily snapped trying to push James off of him.  
  
“Harry is fine,” he said.  
  
James placated Lily and he eventually allowed his husband to touch him.  
  
"What did you do to yourself?"  
  
"Why is Harry crying?"  
  
"He's fine," James soothed but Lily heard him curse under his breath. Lily's son was still crying. James maneuvered Lily out of their bathroom onto their bed. "Just wait right here, alright. I'll be right back."  
  
James left his side and Harry's cries quieted down.

* * *

Lily opened his eyes and blinked groggily up at his bedroom ceiling. His fist was throbbing, his throat felt like sandpaper and his eyes felt sticky.  
  
“Here,” a voice said.  
  
Lily blinked a few more times and saw James holding a glass of water to his face. Lily sat up and accepted the water.  
  
“Thanks,” Lily mumbled. He took a sip and felt his throat come to life. “What happened?”  
  
James sighed. “I was going to ask you the same thing. You blacked out.”  
  
“I did?” Lily asked. “Harry?”  
  
“I asked Remus to pick him up,” James explained. Lily relaxed.  
  
“He was crying,” Lily mumbled.  
  
“He's fine, Lily,” James explained.  
  
“I made him cry,” Lily continued ignoring James.  
  
“You have to talk to me,” James said concerned. He wrapped an arm around Lily and pulled him into an embrace. “Why is gong on?”  
  
“I can't do this anymore,” Lily cried. He tried to cover his face. He couldn't look at James.  
  
James couldn't pry anymore from Lily and eventually he felt Lily fall asleep in his arms.

* * *

Today was Harry's birthday.  
  
James was reminded of that when he was woken by Harry climbing on top of him. He groaned and opened his eyes to see his son settle between him and Lily in the bed.  
  
"Hey, Kiddo," he yawned.  
  
"It's my birthday," Harry said in a tiny voice. It was peculiar that James should have a son with the strong willed Lily Evans Potter, God Son of Sirius Black and future inheritor of the marauders' map who was so soft spoken. He rolled over to his side and smiled at Harry who looked almost embarrassed to be having a birthday at all, though James knew deep inside Harry was delighted at the attention he would get later in the day.  
  
"It sure is, Kiddo. Can you tell me how old you are?" He asked.  
  
"Five," Harry said.  
  
"How many fingers?" He asked and Harry flashed an open palm at him. He giggled proudly at himself. James smiled than peeked a glance at the lump of blankets hugging the edge of the bed. Lily's body breathing slowly and he knew she was still asleep. "Let's let your mother sleep a bit longer. Why don't you go brush your teeth and then we can make pancakes?"  
  
Harry nodded and James lifted him out of the bed and placed him on the rug.  
  
"Quietly," he reminded but it was no use as Harry ran to his bedroom, his little feet pounding on the hardwood floor. James glanced at Lily and saw that it hadn't disturbed her.  
  
Lily had been sleeping a lot lately. She was lethargic in the morning when she got up for work and on the verge of passing out when she came home in the evenings. He could see bags under her eyes and she was losing weight. He tried to talk to her but she always shut the conversation down. He was sick and tired of the word 'fine'. They were fighting more over the littlest things and it was becoming increasingly obvious to James that the arguments were standing in for what they really needed to talk about, though he didn't know what that was. A couple of times already had either one of them at one point or another sleeping in the guest room. Eight years of marriage, fresh out of Hogwarts, and everything was falling apart. He didn't want to think they had made a mistake. He regretted nothing; he just hoped Lily felt the same way.  
  
In the past he would've kissed her shoulder before he lifted the covers off his legs but this morning he just moved towards the bathroom.  
  
Harry was in his room, petting the cat—Simona—after James was done freshening up. He smiled at James to show him his clean teeth and James moved towards the closed wardrobe.  
  
"You didn't pick out an outfit?" He asked. Harry shook his head. Harry had become convinced that there was a boggart in his wardrobe. It was a nightly ritual that they check his closet. He hadn't needed to last night and James hoped that Harry had outgrown his fear. He pulled out his wand and gave it to Harry. "I'm going to open the wardrobe and if he's in there I want you to yell riddikulus, alright?"  
  
Harry nodded. There was no boggart and the child safety was on his wand, so he had no concerns about Harry casting accidental magic.  
  
"On the count of three. You count," he said and Harry began to count.  
  
"One...two...three..."  
  
James flung open the wardrobe. He pushed some clothes to the side to show that the wardrobe was boggart-free but a glance over at Harry showed that the little boy held the wand in front of him with his eyes squeezed shut.  
  
"Would you look at that," he said comfortingly. "The boggart must've heard your snoring last night and went away."  
  
Harry looked at him. "He's gone?"  
  
"Definitely," James said.  
  
"Will he come back?" He asked.  
  
"No, you snore quite loudly. I don't think he shall," James said.  
  
"I don't snore," Harry said indignantly.  
  
"Have you ever heard yourself?" James asked.  
  
"No, because I'm sleeping," Harry said as if James was being silly.  
  
"Then how do you know you don't snore?"  
  
"Because...I've never woken myself up!"  
  
"Oh of course, that makes perfect sense," James agreed easily. He picked out some clothes and laid them on Harry's bed. He helped Harry change into them and than raced him to the kitchen.  
  
He brought out a mixing bowl and measuring cups and helped Harry crack some eggs. The boy was single minded and focused as he poured the egg into the baking powder and flour. James measured some milk which Harry spilled a bit as he poured it into the bowl. He fretted over that; another trait about Harry that James couldn't understand.  
  
Breakfast was just the two of them. James tried to make up for the fact that Lily wasn't there with his own animated behavior that seemed to excite Harry. Harry smiled into his pancakes and James couldn't help the overwhelming love he had for his son. In someways, he still felt very young: Pub nights with his friends, quidditch games in the season. James played Chaser for Puddlemere United and was constantly surrounded by the sport. The excitement of the game filled him with energy and when his team won, it was always drinks and parties for celebration. The irony was that he couldn't afford to be young anymore. He was in his mid twenties and a father of a young kid and the husband of a wife who was clearly depressed. Harry was getting bigger everyday and Lily was drifting away even further. Soon it won't be imaginary boggarts in the wardrobe but 'the talk' and teen angst, and with Lily, he didn't even want to fantasize how much worse their situation could become.

* * *

James left Harry in the living room with a coloring book. He checked the child safety spells around the house before heading up to the master bedroom.  
  
Lily was still sleeping. James crawled on to the bed and gently touched her shoulder. She groaned.  
  
"Time to wake up, Babe," he said.  
  
"Tired," the word barely escaped her throat.  
  
"It's nearly 11," he said. "It's Harry's birthday today."  
  
Lily didn't move under his touch. Had she fallen back asleep?  
  
"Right," she said. She rolled onto her back and rubbed her eyes. James watched her with concern as she crawled from bed. He could see a bony collarbone jut out with her movement. "I'll get ready. Just...give me some privacy."  
  
James nodded. Any other day, this would've been a fight. They had never been a couple who shared bathroom habits but he was her husband and wished she wouldn't push him away, especially when there was something very wrong. He would've thrown every ammo he had at her to get her to speak and she would've thrown it right back to no good end. But today was Harry's birthday and he was determined to make it a nice day so he didn't push.  
  
"I'll have some tea ready for you," he said stiffly. Lily nodded and closed the bathroom door behind her.

* * *

The tea was cooling when Lily joined him in the kitchen. She was dressed in plain clothes and her hair was pulled back into a short pony tail. She wasn't wearing makeup and her exhaustion was plain to see.  
  
"Mummy!" Harry said when he saw her. He jumped from his spot on the floor and hugged her.  
  
"Morning, baby," she greeted.  
  
"It's my birthday," Harry said.  
  
"Is it? Wow, you must be so old?" She said.  
  
Harry nodded. "I'm five."  
  
"So big," she said fondly. She sat down at the kitchen table where James had placed the tea and Harry ran to the counter where there was a plate of pancakes cooling.  
  
"Daddy and I made breakfast," he said.  
  
"My wonderful chefs," she said. She glanced at James who was watching her silently across the table.  
  
"Thank you," she said. James could see she meant it. She didn't want fight today either. He gave her a weak smile and took a sip from his own tea. Harry crawled into her lap and she wrapped one arm around his waist and used the other to cast a heating charm on her food.  
  
James was happy to see her eat and thankful that Harry didn't seem attuned to her moods lately. They looked quite lovely together in this moment and he was reminded of happier times.

* * *

They played with Harry and even took him out on a broomstick for a bit. When Lily had grown tired James distracted Harry with the cat, and he and Lily watched Harry roll on the floor with the elderly creature. Soon it came time to leave for Diagon Alley. James had shrunk Harry's presents and pocketed them while Lily was changing his clothes. Harry seemed to appreciate the attention from his mother and when James joined them in the living room, they took off for Diagon Alley.  
  
Remus and Sirius were waiting for them at the Leaky Cauldron. Both had a pint and turned when Tom nodded at the Potter’s arrival.  
  
“Hey, Little Prongs!” Sirius greeted. Harry lit up and kicked his feet against Lily until She was forced to put him down.  
  
"Uncle Siri," Harry said as he hugged the man. Sirius picked him up.  
  
"Oh, my back," Sirius joked. "You've gotten so big."  
  
"I'm five," Harry flashed his palm at him.  
  
"Five? Yup, that's very big," Sirius said.  
  
Everyone greeted each other. With graduation from school and lives going in different directions, it was hard to make plans with everyone sometimes. In fact, Peter couldn't get off work today though he sent a gift. James would love nothing more for the marauders to show up for his games and celebrate with him afterwards like old times but they had their own lives and things weren't as simple as they were in Hogwarts. Remus had a quiet life working at Flourish and Blotts though James knew he had gotten shit for being a werewolf, particularly when school supply lists were sent out. Remus wasn't that open about his struggles but James worried about him anyway. Sirius was between jobs last James heard and had a steady moved-in girlfriend that James had only met once. She was in her early 20s and Sirius explained that they were ‘old foagies’ at 26 in her eyes though James had the sinking feeling it was her reaction to meeting professional quidditch star, James potter, that she didn't come with Sirius more often. Sirius would never admit it, but her incessant flirting had made him jealous.  
  
"So," Sirius said as Lily and Remus entertained Harry with basic magical charms. "How've you been? Last time I saw you, you looked like shit."  
  
"That's because I was drunk," James said. The last he had seen Sirius was at one of quidditch parties. Sirius was the only one of his friends to make it and Lily had taken Harry to a play date earlier during the game. They had gotten so smashed, James was sure he had opened up about his marital trouble.  
  
"You know what I mean," Sirius said. "You were unhappy. You might have been celebrating the game but I know what sad pathetic you looks like."  
  
"Better. I'm doing better," he said. Today was a good day so far so in a way, he hadn't really lied.  
  
"Good," Sirius nodded. "You're the happy successful one out of our group. There's no hope for the rest of us if the Potters can't make it work."  
  
James took a sip of his butterbeer and then integrated the conversation with Lily and Remus. They ordered a pizza for the table and when the food was done, James reached into his pocket and pulled out Harry's gifts.  
  
Harry became very excited and looked between James and Lily eagerly. "Can I?" He asked.  
  
"Open mine first, little prongs!" Sirius moved his present right before Harry. Harry looked excitedly at his parents than at Sirius before tearing into the wrapping paper.  
  
"There's no card," Remus observed. Lily looked under the wrapping paper but Sirius just chuckled.  
  
"Of course not. Kids don't care about cards," Sirius said. Harry pulled out a dragon toy.  
  
"Roar!" Harry cried. He waved the toy around like it was flying.  
  
"It's a Chinese fireball. Figured he like it because it's red," Sirius explained. "It also does— Harry, press the spine on the back of his neck." The toy roared and a flash of light flew from its mouth. Harry was awed. "And the second spine," Sirius instructed. Harry did so and bubbles came out.  
  
"That's very cool," James enthused.  
  
"Yeah," Harry enthusiastically agreed.  
  
"Tell him thank you, Harry," Lily said.  
  
"Thank you, Uncle Padfoot," Harry repeated than in a much cuter voice, "I love it." He hugged the dragon plush to his chest.  
  
"Hey, Harry, why don't you open uncle Remus' gift next?"  
  
Harry eagerly tore into the next gift which was a collection books. Lily's and James' gifts were next. James couldn't help but look sheepish at the kid size broom Harry unwrapped. Lily rolled her eyes at him but he could see the quietly excited look. She was a quidditch lover as much as he was.  
  
"I get my very own broom?" He asked.  
  
"Yup, kiddo," James said. "Now when we go flying, you'll be flying on your own!"  
  
"On my own. I can fly on my own," Harry said.  
  
"James, at five?" Lily whispered.  
  
James leaned into her ear. "It only flies three feet off the ground."  
  
"Yeah, Lily, don't be a wet blanket," Sirius joked.  
  
Lily glared at him.  
  
"Sirius," James growled. Remus shook his head and leaned back into his seat.  
  
"Why is mum a wet blanket?" Harry asked.  
  
Sirius barked out a laugh.  
  
"Mum is not a blanket, Harry. Sirius is just being mean," James explained.  
  
"Don't be mean!" Harry cried. He leaned over and hugged Lily. He then tried to crawl into her lap. Lily helped him than wrapped her arms around him. "Apologize!"  
  
"I'm sorry, Lily," Sirius said. The table cracked up a little. Even Lily buried a smile into Harry's messy hair.  
  
"Thank you for standing up for me, Harry," she said.  
  
"I love you, mummy," he said. James couldn't help the smile that spread across his face.  
  
"Mum! What did you get me?" Harry asked when the moment was over. Lily leaned over and moved her gifts closer. Harry opened the first gift and made a face. "Clothes."  
  
"Yes, I got you boring old clothes," Lily said. "It's only because you've gotten so big. Here, open this one." She pushed towards him another gift.  
  
This gift was quite large and Harry unwrapped it he gave a squeal. James plugged his ears jokingly.  
  
"It's the fairy play set!" He said excitedly. Harry already had a troll play set and was excited to have the newest addition. "I love it! I love everything!"  
  
The charmed away the wrapping paper and Harry started to get rowdy about his new toys so the group decided to get ice cream at Fortescue.

* * *

Fortescue ended up dividing their group. Harry ordered a Sunday but couldn't finish it. He had so much excitement to play with his toys. Remus didn't order anything and volunteered to take Harry out front to run wild. Sirius must've felt threatened as favorite uncle as he rushed after the two.  
  
Lily had ordered a plane vanilla ice cream, the only flavor James had ever seen her eat.  
  
"I can't believe you got him a broom," she said.  
  
"I saw your eyes light up when you saw it, don't pretend you don't want to take him out there on it," he teased.  
  
Lily smiled. "He's going to become a professional quidditch player right after you."  
  
"You ever fear he won't love the sport?" James asked.  
  
"He loves flying," Lily said.  
  
"Yeah but that's something he does with us. What if, when he's older, he hates it?"  
  
"You mean when he becomes a grumpy teenager and hates us?" She asked. "He loves you too much."  
  
"Yeah, but—"  
  
"No, James, he won't hate quidditch or you," she said.  
  
"Nor you," James added. He tipped his strawberry chocolate ice cream cone at her.  
  
Lily just looked away. James frowned and turned his gaze to the large front window and saw Harry lap around front screaming excitedly with Sirius chasing after him.  
  
Suddenly Sirius came back before the window with Harry hanging from his arms. He was talking to someone and that someone became clear when a woman stepped up next to him.  
  
James didn't recognize her from behind but after patting Harry on the head and giving a wave to Sirius she was off again. It was probably an old school mate or someone Sirius knew through one of his previous jobs.  
  
James glanced at Lily but she seemed frozen on the window. Sirius had turned to them through the glass and both he and Harry were waving. James waved back, as did Lily but much smaller.  
  
"You doing okay?" He asked.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
'You spaced out there,' he wanted to say. 'I'm worried about you,' he almost said. 'I love you,' was on the tip of his tongue. He said none of these things.  
  
"Do you have brain freeze?" He said.  
  
Lily looked at her melted ice cream and frowned. "It's all melted."  
  
"That's a shame," he said.

* * *

Lily was already in bed when James came in from the bathroom. She was sitting up as opposed to curled up in the blankets with her back to his side as usual. James attributed this to the good day they had and allowed himself to bask in normality if it all. Who knew what tomorrow would bring.  
  
"Are you interested in reading?" He asked. That was their old married couple activity: sitting around each other while reading. Lily was into novels while James enjoyed quidditch magazines and every once in a while the quibbler for its sheer weirdness.  
  
Lily nodded. She pulled her book into her lap. "Today was nice," she said. "I'm thankful Harry is a summer baby. In a couple years, he'll be off for Hogwarts but we'll always have his birthday."  
  
"That is true. Next year, though, we should plan a party with his friends," James suggested.  
  
"Next year is too far away. I don't want to think about it. He's five, he's still my baby."  
  
"Harry will love a big party instead of hanging out with us, old foagies," James teased.  
  
"We're hardly old," Lily complained. She paused. "The Longbottoms have a son about Harry's age."  
  
"And the Weasleys. They have a couple kids close in age as well.  
  
"Yeah..." She trailed off. "James, you saw Alice today, right? While we were at Fortescue?"  
  
"Talking to Sirius?" Was that her? It had been so long since school.  
  
Lily nodded. "Did you know..." She paused unsure if herself than seemed to fortify herself and continued, "She had a girlfriend when we were still at Hogwarts before she and Frank got together."  
  
"I had heard about that," James said. "I never gave them much thought. I figured it was kids just spreading rumors."  
  
"Well, it was true," she said. "What do you think about that?"  
  
"Er...Alice can date whomever..." James was unsure of the left turn their conversation was taking but it hadn't devolved into a yelling match. He didn't know what answers Lily wanted to hear and knew he had to tread lightly. "If you're asking me if I'm against gay relationships, I'm not." A brief thought flashed through his mind. Was Lily trying to tell him that she had dated Alice? He didn't ask it though it must've shown on his face because Lily shook her head.  
  
"It wasn't me," she said. James forgot that Lily could always read him. "It was some girl in Slytherin a year above us. Probably why she was quiet about it."  
  
"Well...alright," James shrugged. Lily seemed a bit frustrated then. There was something she was angling for.  
  
"Do you know the term LGBT?" Lily asked.  
  
"I've heard it," James said. "What exactly...is the point of this conversation? What are you trying to tell me?"  
  
Was Lily gay? Was that why she was so depressed? While she hadn't dated Alice was she like her? Attracted to women? She was unhappy in their marriage after all. Was it all over without a hope of salvation? Conclusions began to run wild through his mind.  
  
"James, I have something very big to tell you," she sounded very stiff like she was trying desperately to mask her emotions. That alone felt like a confirmation that the end was here: divorced at 26. "I've put this off for so long, I've made a mistake—"  
  
"You regret getting married?" He asked quietly.  
  
"No!" She said that fast but it brought no comfort as her face seemed to crumble. "But I've lied to you. I've been lying to myself—"  
  
"What—just say it," He said. He could hear blood pumping in his ears. He didn't want to have this conversation but the lid on Pandora's box was lifted. "Because I've got a million things running through my head right now. What is it, Lily?"  
  
"I'm transgender," she said. They fell into silence. James could hear crickets chirping. Lily was staring at him, a needy look in her eyes searching for any semblance of acceptance or maybe searching for disgust. But James didn't know what to think. Any knowledge he might've had on that word left him instantly; his mind had gone blank except for one question that lead to so many more: what did this mean? About her? About their marriage?  
  
Confusion must've read on his face because Lily sighed and scrubbed her face in her hands.  
  
"I'm a transgender man," Lily said, face still in her hands.  
  
"I don't know what that means?" He said.  
  
"It means that I'm not like other girls; I was born one but that doesn't mean I identify that way. I tried so hard To be what everyone wanted me to be. I tried really hard, but I can't do it anymore. I can't live like this, James. I'm miserable."  
  
"You said you had been lying for a long time...how long?" He asked quietly. At the moment, the words hadn't sunk in yet. Right now he was just gathering data.  
  
"Since forever...I've known I wasn't particularly like other girls, and that I had an affinity with other boys, but I didn't have a name for it until I was a older."  
  
James felt his eyebrows raise, his face must've been a sight. Lily looked very pale, waiting for something. Maybe fireworks, maybe a hex. James would never turn his wand on his wife...did that word still count now? He turned away from her and tried to look back on their relationship. They had become friends late sixth year, mostly because Lily had finally succumbed and asked him for quidditch tips. Spending time together eventually extended to off the pitch and by the time they graduated from school they were in what he considered a serious relationship. All this time, she had been holding something like this back from him. All their interactions, it felt like a veil had been pulled back, and he tried to remember their past with this new information. Was it obvious she was transgender? Should he have known? It was hard to understand if he was remembering their relationship with clarity or with warped memory but suddenly he felt like he knew nothing and could trust nothing.  
  
He glanced at her. She was watching him, waiting for him to continue speak but what could he say when someone announced something like this? He was beginning to feel hysterical but tried to keep the calm demeanor.  
  
"What are you going to do?" He asked in want of something to say. He didn't know what type of answer could be given to such a question.  
  
"I want to transition," Lily said after a pause. "Live my life the way I need to live it."  
  
"Merlin," James whispered, feeling exhausted. "What does this mean for us?"  
  
Lily looked away. "That's up to you. I know this is going to change everything. I know. It's why I didn't say anything for so long. I don't want to lose you James. You and Harry mean the world to me, but I'm so unhappy. I can't go on like this."  
  
Lily still loved him. He felt like a child grabbing at that when, yes, Lily was right. This would change everything. She kept using the word transition. Transition. How different would Lily be? His mind couldn't think big to far reaching implications of situation. And...  
  
Harry. Oh, Merlin's beard, Harry. This was more than just two of them, how would this affect their child?  
  
"I need time to think," he said.  
  
"Right," Lily said stiffly.  
  
"We'll talk tomorrow?" He said, though his voiced hitched at the end and it sounded more like a question.  
  
"Sure," Lily said. She sounded empty.  
  
"Tomorrow," he repeated awkwardly. He waved his wand and the light on his side of the bed turned off. He burrowed deep into the blankets, laying on his side, back to her. Lily moved slower behind him. He could hear her place her book back on the nightstand and than the bedroom descended into complete darkness as her light went out.  
  
In that moment, like so many nights before, they were nothing more than two adults sharing a bed, and in their heads, they were worlds apart.

* * *

 _Summer, pre 5th year_  
  
_Lily's period had come again. After three years, he had grown accustomed to the cramps; the pain, a reminder that his period hated him as much as he hated it. Sometimes he would lie in bed and pretend he was bleeding out from a serious wound. His eyes drifting slowly with sleep as he considered he might not wake up and have to deal with it anymore. He always woke up, though._  
  
_He changed his pad and avoided his reflection as he washed up._  
  
_Someone knocked on the door._  
  
_"Hurry up in there," it was Petunia's voice._  
  
_"Just a second," Lily yelled. He pulled up his trousers and opened the door. Petunia scrunched her nose at him. She always looked at him like that. Like Lily was a gross bug. 'Dont worry, Petunia. I don't need you looking at me. I already feel like shit,' he thought angrily._  
  
_"You always take forever in the bathroom and you always look like shit afterwards," Petunia said. She brushed past Lily and shoved him out of the bathroom._  
  
_Lily heard the door slam and wondered into the living room. Mum was watching telly and cutting out vouchers._  
  
_"Hey, sweetie," she said without looking up. Lily gave an awkward throat sound. He sat down beside his mother and tried to enjoy the Telly._  
  
_"Mum, can I get a hair cut?" He asked._  
  
_His mother sighed. Lily had asked to get his hair completely chopped off which his mother refused. She wouldn't take Lily to the barbershop in fear what Lily would ask of the barber. Imagine that, not being trusted with your own hair. Instead, the job fell onto Petunia to give him trims._  
  
_"We can ask Petunia—"_  
  
_Lily made a strangled noise. "I hate it when she cuts my hair."_  
  
_"She does a fine job," his mother insisted. They fell into silence. This argument has been had so many times before. It didn't matter that it was Lily's hair; his mother would never allow it to be cut short._  
  
_Lily got up from the sofa with a daring idea in mind. He moved into the kitchen and began searching for the large scissors and found them in a drawer. He leaned over the rubbish bin and began to chop his hair close to the head._  
  
_"What the hell are you doing?" His mother stumbled into the kitchen after him. Lily lowered the scissors, the damage already done._  
  
_"Can I get a haircut?"_

_* * *_

_Lily's hair was short, buzzed around the neck and sides. Shorter than even how most other guys wore it. His mother hated it._  
  
_He loved it._  
  
_"Have you lost your mind?" His mother snapped, driving angrily home._  
  
_Lily paid her no mind, rubbing a hand against the short bristles. He felt ten pounds lighter. When they reached home, Lily ran ahead into the house up to the second floor bathroom. He finally stared at his reflection and for the first time, he liked what he saw._  
  
_"Lily, we are going to have a talk when your father gets home!" His mother shouted from the first floor._

_* * *_

_Summer continued. Lily was grounded for a month but after the first week, his parents anger lessened considerably and lifted his punishment. Lily was finally allowed to leave the house. Severus was horrified when he first saw him. Horrified seemed to be everyone's reaction._  
  
_"Your hair is all gone," he said. He actually sounded really upset. Lily self-consciously touched his head._  
  
_"You're acting like I skinned a baby seal and chose to wear it as a hat. I still have some hair," Lily shrugged. "I like it."_  
  
_"Your hair was so beautiful," Sev said. "What a shame."_  
  
_Lily frowned. "It's just hair. It'll grow back."_  
  
_Sev only shrugged. They fell into silence._  
  
_"You really don't like it?" He asked._  
  
_"No," Sev admitted. "It's kind of...butch."_  
  
_Lily didn't think that was so bad but Sev didn't have to make a Petunia-like face as he said it._  
  
_"Don't look at me like that," Sev said. "Like you said, it'll grow back. Meanwhile wear a hat."_  
  
_Lily snorted. "Hell no. You want to hang out with me, hang out with me proudly."_  
  
_He got up and began to march back to his front door._  
  
_Severus groaned. "Alright. Sorry."_  
  
_Lily  turned back to him. "Thank you."_  
  
_"Do you want to head over to our field?" Severus asked after a moment. "Your mother is glaring at me like I'm a giant slug."_  
  
_Lily glanced back at his house and saw his mother was peaking over a pot of daisies and did in fact have a sour face on at the sight of Snape. His family never did warm to him._  
  
_“God, yes! I want to get further from my house then my driveway.”_

_* * *_

_Lily was in the library. The air conditioning was broken at his house and Sev had disappeared with other friends from school. Lily had no interest in pestering to join in. He hated Sev's housemates and how they seemed to have a powerful influence over him. They hated Lily anyway._  
  
_He was flipping through ‘20,000 Leagues Under the Sea’ but was distracted by a dark haired girl watching him from another table. Lily spared the girl a glance. She looked around Lily’s age, maybe older. At first, Lily had assumed she was just another hostile individual who didn't like his hair or the fact that Lily was wearing a large loose tank top and chose to bind his breasts with old medical bandage instead of wearing a bra but after a while, Lily began to notice that girl blushed whenever Lily caught her staring. He met the girl’s eyes and the other sent him a smile. Lily turned back to his book feeling a bit confused. The girl was pretty, he could notice that. He kept his eyes on his book, aware that girl was staring again but was determined not to look over. The girl was more assertive than Lily gave her credit because the next moment the girl was sitting at his table._  
  
_"Hi," the girl said. "I'm Imogene."_  
  
_“Hello,” Lily said. He fought an awkward glance to either side to make sure there weren't any handsome men Imogene could be talking to. "Lily."_  
  
_The girl smiled. "I hope I'm not bothering you, you just looked a little lonely."_  
  
_Lily shrugged. "Killing time actually. Nothing else to do in Cokeworth."_  
  
_"Yeah. I use to go away for camp over the summer, as a kid and than as counselor. I always thought 'Anything is better than Cokeworth''."_  
  
_"You didn't go this year?" he asked. He closed his book since he wasn't really reading it._  
  
_"I got a job at my dad's hardware shop," Imogene said. "Getting paid sounded pretty nice. Do you work?"_  
  
_Lily shook his head._  
  
_"Well, hey, since both of us have nothing better to do, why don't I take you out for ice cream?"_  
  
_"Seriously?" Lily asked not expecting the gesture._  
  
_"Yeah, why not? There's a place across the street so we wouldn't have to go too far," Imogene encouraged. "Plus, they have great sherbet if that's what you prefer?"_  
  
_"Sherbet sounds nice," Lily said. We're they speaking in double entendres? God, he hoped they were and he wasn't making a fool of himself._  
  
_"I like it too," Imogene said and stood up. "C'mon, let's go."_  
  
_Lily followed her to the ice cream parlor and got a scoop of lemon sherbet while Imogene ordered raspberry. They found a little table outside in the sun and away from the crowds._  
  
_As they talked, Lily learned that Imogene was 19 and already had a year of university under her belt. Lily talked around Hogwarts, leaving it as a boarding school up in the north. Imogene wanted to become a nurse which led to the current conversation:_  
  
_"So, I couldn't help but notice your bandages?" Imogene gestured to the armholes of Lily's tank top, where his bandages were in fact visible._  
  
_Lily frowned and looked down. His mother had asked about it when he had been leaving the house. The bandages looked better than a bra, Lily had said. He explained it away as a fashion decision, but truthfully, he just wanted his chest to be flat._  
  
_"Injury," Lily lied and shrugged. "I'll be fine."_  
  
_"Okay..." Imogene bit her lip. "Ace bandage...binding can be rather damaging. It can really hurt your ribs and constrict breathing. I'm surprised the doctor didn't give you a binder..."_  
  
_Lily schooled his face into a neutral face. He gave her a 'is that right' eyebrow raise and Imogene sighed._  
  
_"And it's none of my business." She fanned herself and said after a beat, "Thank God for ice cream, right?"_  
  
_Lily nodded._  
  
_They eventually found themselves walking down a bike path that took them to a playground. There were no kids or adults around so Imogene made a beeline to the swings. Lily instinctively stood behind her and began to gently push her forward._  
  
_"Its times like these where I think I might actually miss Cokeworth." Imogene sighed._  
  
_"You're really not fond of our little home town, are you?" Lily asked. To be quite honest, Lily spent more time at Hogwarts and didn't have much of a sense of Cokeworth other than it was the town where his family lived._  
  
_"I've just grown up and out of it," Imogene said. "It's too small here. Too narrow minded."_  
  
_"What do you mean?" Lily asked._  
  
_Imogene stopped swinging and turned to Lily. She reached out and touched Lily's arm._  
  
_"You're really cute, Lily," she said and Lily blushed._  
  
_"Are you flirting with me?" Lily asked quietly. He was distracted by the touch and a thought was repeating in his head: holy shit this is happening._  
  
_"Yeah, I kinda thought you were flirting back," Imogene said._  
  
_Lily swallowed. "I was...I've just never been with a girl before."_  
  
_"Not even kiss?" She asked. Lily shook his head. Imogene stood up and placed a hand on Lily's cheek and stroked it gently. The other hand moved to his waist. "Can I?"_  
  
_Lily nodded. His hands went to Imogene's hips and their lips met. It was gentle at first but grew a bit hungrier. He felt Imogene's hands move to his back._  
  
_"Nice?" Imogene asked when they broke for air._  
  
_Lily nodded. It felt good to be kissed by a girl, but not better than kissing Arthur Goldman last year. Girls were nice, though, Lily thought. Soft and curvy: features he didn't like on himself but admired on others._  
  
_They moved back together and continued making out. It was only when Imogene's hands traveled to his chest did it begin to feel wrong. 'Don't pay attention there,' he thought urgently. 'Don't.' Lily broke away. He ended up stumbling backwards._  
  
_"Sorry," he said embarrassed._  
  
_"Shit!" Imogene said. "Don't be, I was out of bounds." Her eyes drifted to the bandages again and Lily crossed his arms across his chest. Imogene looked away ashamed. "I'm really sorry," she said and Lily nodded. "Maybe we should head back to the library?" Lily nodded again._  
  
_The atmosphere was broken and the walk couldn't have been any longer. When the library loomed ahead, Imogene turned to Lily and stopped him._  
  
_"Look, I don't know a lot about this subject personally, and it's really not my business but I feel the need to say this in case. At my university we have a LGBT club," she paused to study Lily's face. Lily gave nothing away. "Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual...and Transgender," Imogene explained. "You might find something there."_  
  
_Lily nodded stiffly. Imogene shrugged._  
  
_"It was nice meeting you, Lily. Goodbye," Imogene gave an awkward wave and began to walk away. When Imogene was out of sight, Lily felt his body deflate so all that was left was the self-hate. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he be normal?_

  
* * *

  
Lily woke up to the empty bed. It wasn't uncommon as Lily had been feeling so lethargic lately, but after last night, he had to wonder if he had woken to an empty house. He crawled from the bed and checked in Harry's room. He could see the tiny lump that was Harry. Lily pushed the door open wider and moved to check in on him. Harry was sleeping on his belly. He was exhausted from yesterday. Sirius always successfully tired him out. Lily gently kissed his forehead which didn't even stir him before heading out in search of James.  
  
There was clanking in the kitchen and so Lily followed it to find James pouring tea. Lily came forward and watched him silently. James had taken on a lot of duties around the house since Lily's depression became serious. Before he never could brew delicious tea. Always too strong or too much milk.    
  
James glanced up at him, his face blank. Lily met his eyes. Silent communication but they were speaking different languages. How had they come so far from each other? James, now aware of him, pulled out a second cup and poured him some tea as well and moved to sit down at the table. Lily followed his move and accepted the tea. They were awkwardly quiet and Lily had to stare out the window because he couldn't look at James anymore.  
  
"So..." James began.  
  
Lily sighed.  
  
"So what does transition mean?" James said. No pretense, no lead in, no summary of last night. They were really having it.  
  
"A lot of things depending on the person," Lily explained. "Simplest we can do right now, use male pronouns for me."  
  
"Simplest?" James said softly.  
  
Lily shrugged. He imagined that seeing him look right now as he always did, to switch to masculine pronouns might trip up James, but he hoped that James was willing to at least try.  
  
"So he, him, his..." James said stiffly.  
  
Lily nodded. "Thank you."  
  
"What else?"  
  
"I'd like to get proper clothes and to cut my hair shorter," he paused to let that sink in. Right now it was long enough to reach past his chin and be pulled back into a pony tail. He had worn his hair short once during summer and had loved it but in an effort to be 'normal' he had kept it longish since. He shook his head, feeling resentment for Severus Snape for weakening his resolve. Lily had crawled into his transgender closet that year and tried to be the girl that Sev had demanded.  
  
"Then next would be hormones," Lily explained. "I've done some research into how wizards transition. I would have to take a monthly potion for the rest of my life. It would have high levels of testosterone." James looked a bit glassy eyed. "My voice will deepen, body hair and facial hair will grow. My body will lose its curves and become more masculine..." Lily didn't know he was speaking but it was all coming out like word diarrhea. "There's a separate potion specifically for genitalia as well. At some point during this I'll have to file to legally change my gender on paper."  
  
They lapses into silence.  
  
"Are you going to say anything?" He asked.  
  
"This is real?" James said.  
  
"Yeah, it's been real for me all my life," Lily said and couldn't bite back the snark.  
  
James glared at him but didn't say anything. Lily sat back in his seat. Everything was up in the air. For so long Lily has wanted this and now it was within his reach and it felt like too much. He was simply sitting here and already he was overwhelmed. But at the same time, he woke up and got out of bed and while he felt discombobulated, he didn't want to crawl back under the covers as he had done in the past. He had told James and felt ten pounds lighter. He looked back at James who was holding his face in his hands before he sighed.  
  
"So all of that? He said. "When does all this happen?"  
  
"I have to find a healer," Lily said. "But I probably won't start the hormones for a couple months."  
  
James just stared at him and then nodded. "You were smiling just now. I haven't seen you smile without Harry around in a longtime."  
  
Lily hadn't thought about that. It was hard for him to say if he had ever been truly happy, hiding such a huge part of himself. Sure, he had his moments of levity, but something was happening now that he had told James. His life could begin. "I feel really good. Overwhelmed, yeah, but good," he said.  
  
"So taking hormones? That will make you happy?" He asked.  
  
"Yes," he said and after a moment, "You're not running for the hills?" Lily observed though it came out like a question. There was still time for that.  
  
"No, I love you too damn much," he said. Lily shifted his shoulders, mixed feelings at those words. They brought comfort but James clearly didn't understand what the future entailed and his ignorance left Lily wide open to be hurt.  
  
"James, I'm going to physically change. I imagine that will mean a lot to you in someway because it means a lot to me."  
  
He nodded. "I know. You said the bit about hormones and all."  
  
"The potions will make me physically male," he explained. "I'm not going to be your 'wife', anymore." He watched as James flinched.  
  
"Yeah, I got that," James said. "I'm still not going anywhere."  
  
"You say that now."  
  
"I'm not going to leave you!" James snapped. "Do you want me to go?"  
  
"No," Lily said immediately.  
  
"Then why are you fighting me?"  
  
"Because, there's still time for you to grow disgusted with me," Lily said. "You're attracted to women and I'm not—"  
  
"I know, but I'm not leaving," he said. He reached across the table and laid his hand on top of Lily's. "I can't imagine a world where I'm not in love with you. I won't abandon you; I just want you to be happy. You need to do this, right? I want to be at your side."  
  
Lily wanted to believe him. He nodded and squeezed James' hand. He couldn't let go though neither could James. They spent the rest of morning staring at each other and finishing their tea.

* * *

Now that James knew, Lily felt so much weight lift off of his shoulders. Today, August 1st, was the day his new life began. When James promised to stay at his side, he couldn't help the smile the stretched across his face. Holding onto James like a child. If he cried a few tears, he didn't feel embarrassment. Their marriage wasn't over, not today at least. Maybe someday, he would be able to embrace James and not flinch and pull away from his touch in self-loathing. But with Lily satisfied with his body left the door open for James to flinch and pull away. He could still leave.  
  
Lily glanced over his shoulder at James who was staring blankly at a quidditch magazine. He looked tired. Lily looked away feeling guilt, his good mood ebbing. He was a burden. If not James who remained by his side during his transition, who would? Severus Snape? His once best friend who told him to keep his identity a secret? His parents who wouldn't even let him cut his hair? Certainly not his sister who had cut ties with him the moment she moved out of their family's home? But he didn't think he could do it alone.  
  
And then there was Harry. The one, above all else, he couldn't lose.  
  
Lily found Harry playing with Simona in the dining room. The cat was being incredibly patient, her tail swinging idly by while Harry tried to poke it. Lily sat down in a chair and watched him. Harry seemed to notice his presence and turned to him. He held out a toy car that had been locked in his palm as he was distracted by the cat.  
  
“You play as the car and I’ll be the giant,” He explained. Lily took the car and Harry began to roar and growl, before tackling Lily. “You’re not playing right.”  
  
“I’m sorry, Harry,” He said. Harry cocked his head to the side.  
  
“You sad?” He asked.  
  
“Just nervous, Harry,” He said.  
  
“About what?”  
  
“I want you to know I love you, Harry,” He said and sighed. “Nothing I do or say diminishes the love I have for you.”  
  
“Ok,” Harry said simply and rolled the car against the sofa.  
  
“You know how when we play, we pretend to be something that we’re not?” He asked. “Well I’ve been playing for a long time."  
  
"Yeah, I like pretend-play," Harry said. "In pretend play, I'm a giant! I'm so big I can't even fit in the house!"  
  
Lily smiled as Harry mimicked the stomping motion of a giant.  
  
"What do you pretend-play as?" He asked.  
  
"Well, I've been pretend-playing as a girl," Lily explained. "I'd like to stop playing."  
  
"If you pretend-play as a girl, then what are you?" Harry asked.  
  
"I'd be a boy."  
  
"Like me?" Harry asked.  
  
Lily nodded. "Yeah, like you and Daddy."  
  
"You can do that?" Harry asked confused.  
  
Lily nodded. "Is that okay?" He asked. He didn't know what would happen if Harry rejected him. Would he stop and remain Lily for Harry’s sake or would he go through with it anyway and lose Harry? He didn't know. He bit his lip.  
  
"It's okay I guess," Harry said still looking down. "I don't have to become a girl, do I?"  
  
Lily felt relief bloom so widely, he thought he might burst.  
  
"No, baby, not at all," Lily said and kissed his forehead.  
  
"Mummy?" He asked. "What's the difference between boys and girls?"  
  
Lily quietly groaned. "A lot of things and nothing at the same time." Harry looked at him and added, "I'll still be the same in here." He touched his heart. "And my love for you will never waver. But on the outside I'll look different. It'll be slow changes over time, though."  
  
"Can I still call you Mummy?" He asked.  
  
Lily didn't have a clear answer to that. He would love for Harry to see him as a father but as 'Mummy' was only how Harry knew him. To take that away seemed too much at this point. What if Harry saw him as a stranger? He chewed on his bottom lip and wished he had gotten some advice in this.  
  
"Yeah, Baby, you can," he agreed.  
  
"Ok, Mummy," he said. "Can we still play pretend giant and cars?" He asked.  
  
Lily nodded enthusiastically. "We sure can." He began to roll the car on the floor while Harry began to stomp around as he had earlier, Simona watching idly from her spot.  
  
Lily felt elated again. The roller coaster of emotions making him exhausted as well, though he was determined not to crawl back into bed. Not on the first day of his new life.

* * *

James was waiting for him as both Lily and Harry entered the living room. Harry was carrying the dragon Sirius had given to him. Harry held it out like the dragon was flying and ran to James.  
  
James helped him onto the couch so that Harry was sat beside him. Harry began to tell James everything that they had talked about as if James didn't know. Lily watched his face for a hint of reaction, something to tell him that James resented him for this, but James kept his cards close to the chest and gave nothing away at Harry's words. Harry soon started taking about the game the player and James nodded along.  
  
It was the weekend so they took Harry out for a broom ride that afternoon. He was very happy with his junior broom and zoomed around the backyard only a couple feet above the ground. They didn't join him but the excitement Harry had was contagious and Lily, still feeling that new lease on life, began to chase him around. James left to make dinner and before Lily knew it, he and James were crawling into bed. Lily expected their nightly arrangements to continue as they had out of sheer low expectations, but as James made himself comfortable under the bed, he sent a hesitant look, Lily's way. Lily bit his lip and crawled closer to James, wondering if he'd welcome him and James did. He wrapped an arm around Lily's waist and they tried to settle into this position though it's been a while. Lily laid his head on James' chest and tried to remind himself not to let his hopes grow. This relationship could still go south, but the warm and familiar embrace of James was too euphoric, and Lily had tricked himself into forgetting just how wonderful it was to be held by James. In a perfect world everything would be okay in the end. Lily had to remember he didn’t live in a perfect world.

* * *

James woke up with Lily on top of him. That was a habit she hadn't broken since school. He. That would take some getting used to...though, he supposed, if Lily began to look different maybe it would be easier. What a weird thought. To see Lily transform into someone else, like a polyjuice potion. Would he notice the changes? Would they happen fast? Or slow, like getting old?  
  
James ran a hand through his hair. Lily used to think this was his arrogance manifesting itself in a physical tick, but it was more like his anxiety. Always before a game, he'd mess his hair up, always when asking Lily out, he'd mess his hair up, when Harry was being born...but was there really anything to be nervous about? Lily had slept in his arms for the first time in a year. Things would pick up now that they talked.  
  
Lily began to wake up. He could feel him tense as if Lily had forgotten how they'd fallen asleep. Lily glanced up at James through his bangs.  
  
"Morning," James greeted. He glanced at the clock on the wall. He had to leave for practice in an hour.  
  
"Morning," Lily sighed.  
  
"Do you want me to make breakfast?" He usually had protein shakes on practice days, but with Lily up, he felt an incentive to make a full English breakfast.  
  
"Yeah, that would be nice," Lily sighed. "I should get up earlier now..." He trailed off.  
  
James removed the covers and they were hit with a cold blast of room temperature air. Their cuddling in the night had created an incubator out of their bed.  
  
"I like that," he agreed. "We can spend mornings together.”  
  
Lily nodded and James made his way to the bathroom. He kept the door open as he brushed his teeth and felt Lily's eyes on him. James had never been ashamed to let Lily see him in all situations but the bathroom was a line Lily wouldn't relent on. The door was closed and locked when the redhead was in, and when James was making use of it, Lily never watched him.  
  
James gave him a curious glance. Lily didn't say anything but when James got his shaving kit out, Lily crawled out of their bed. He came to stand by James in the bathroom, which surprised him.  
  
"You shave the muggle way," Lily observed. James had picked this up from a teammate during an away game.  
  
He shrugged. "Yeah..."  
  
He glanced at the pair of them in the mirror. He supposed maybe one day Lily would be shaving his own face as well, which was a sobering thought. James didn't know how much Lily would change when he begins his transition.  
  
Lily watched him shave, and the moment felt more intimate then it should be. When he was done, Lily reached out and touched his cheek. There was a shy look in his eyes and James smiled at him.  
  
Lily seemed encouraged and glanced back at his reflection. He touched his own hair in consideration.  
  
"I should cut my hair," he said. James would miss it, even if Lily had never let it grow past his collarbones, but James didn't seem inclined to comment. Lily glanced at him curiously through the mirror.  
  
He suppose he should say something. "Er...I think there are trimmers around here."  
  
"Yeah?" Lily asked. They looked through the drawers and it was James who found it. He held the trimmers to Lily who grabbed a fist full of hair and cut a huge chunk off.  
  
"Maybe the barber would've been the smarter option," he said watching him.  
  
"Shut up," Lily laughed.  
  
"Do you even know how to cut hair?" James asked.  
  
"How hard can it be?"  
  
Hard. Lily was cutting locks here and there but the end result wasn't shaping up.  
  
"I have to stop you before your only option is to shave your head," James said and Lily scowled. James made a grabbing hand motion."Give me."  
  
Lily handed him the trimmers and James began to cut his hair with surprising skill, aware that Lily was watching him but he kept his eyes focused on the task. When he was done and brushing hair off Lily's shoulders, he thought he had done a nice job. The hair was much shorter than his own; Lily's botch job gave him little to work with.  
  
Lily liked it, though. He ran a hand through the short auburn bristles. "I love it," he said. "Thank you."  
  
"It's no problem," James shrugged.  
  
"Thank you," Lily repeated.  
  
"You're welcome.”  
  
Lily smiled, "Now get out of here, I have to pee."


End file.
